Translating Daze

You’ve heard of English/Spanish, or English/German or English/Whatever translation books? Here is your handy DAZED/REALITY TRANSLATION BOOK.

What they say: He/She is dead!
Translation: He/She is dead until ------ returns from their failed pilot/maternity leave.

What they say: I'm gonna make him/her pay!
Translation: I'm not going to learn from past mistakes and will let him/her do whatever to me again and again.

What they say: I won’t pressure you. I’ll give you all the time you need (to grieve, to get over him/her, to make a decision).
Translation: I’ll give you until the next scene we have together.

What they say: We'll drive there.
Translation: We're going to drive into a snow/rain storm and have a wreck.

What they say: We'll fly to (someplace overseas).
Translation: We'll be there in a few minutes.

What they say: You’re my soul mate.
Translation: We met when we were kids and because the writers haven’t got a clue we are going to be forced to be together whether or not this ever would happen in reality.

What they say: You're pregnant.
Translation: The delivery will be 18 months from now and/or you’ll fall down the stairs and lose the baby.

What they say: You've just graduated from high school.
Translation: You're now qualified to be head of the company.

What they say: If you don’t (fill in the blank), then I’m going to tell your (parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other) your terrible secret!
Translation: I’m not going to do a darned thing but have this same stupid conversation and threaten you over and over and over and……

What they say (This applies to Tommy Horton only): I'm going upstairs to get a pack of cigarettes.
Translation: You'll never see or hear of me again.

What they say (This applies to Marie Horton only): I'm going to become a nun."
Translation: You'll never see or hear of me again.

What they say: S/he's going to camp/boarding school for the summer.
Translation: Next time you see himmer, s/he's going to age a decade or two.

What they say: Mickey is your attorney.
Translation: You're going to prison.

What they (the doctors) say: (Or, in this case, what they do when asked for news of a loved one): Just stand there and stare with a stricken look on their face.
Translation: After the commercial break the doctor will break out into a smile and give the good news because absolutely nothing is wrong. But the writers want you to think that something is wrong. However, this old, worn out device is so overused NOBODY falls for it anymore.

What they say: We're never going to be rescued! or We’re going to die!
Translation: Let's have sex!

What they say: Nothing will ever come between us again.
Translation: Maybe the writers will give us at least two or three hours to be happy before the next crisis hits.